Have you ever felt like you’re wading through a quicksand of failure, that no matter how much you paced your way through it, you seemed trapped in that situation, at a complete loss?
Immovable.
It could be a failed family business, a failed job, a failed project or event, failed career, failed relationships and so many more. And in that situation, maybe you start asking yourself – who am I without it? How am I supposed to live without it?
Then, those questions, later on, turned into – what is the purpose of my life now? And you begin asking yourself about the things that are still worth living for. You twitch to look for tiny possibilities, any glimmer of hope you can hold on to, so you can start building your life again. That’s exactly me a few months ago.
I just woke up one day feeling like everything that makes me happy and complete, all vanished. And I was left with nothing but emptiness.
Lifeless.
Like I ran out of pixie dust and I can no longer fly. I graduated with a degree in college but still haven’t found the right job that can make my heart at peace. Is there really? Because until now, I am still asking myself what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life. I am still looking for something I can put my whole self – my heart and soul – into it. One time I was thinking of going back to school, enroll another course instead. Some other time I was thinking about answering “Yes, I will be there” for another job interviews. The next day I was thinking of writing a book, but I couldn’t find a better story. Until it came to me to start a business and I spent the whole day thinking about it.
Then like a lightning, a memory of my current catastrophe hit straight to my head and my thoughts started to malfunction again. The overwhelming pain at 2 a.m. came in crawling, crashing down every wall left there is that gives me the best feeling of comfort. Right there and then I began thinking a lot about failure because I often feel like I am starting to become one.
Ruined.
I already was, before I knew it. I feel like I’ve failed so many people who are expecting a lot from me. And because of that, I was doing the most stupid thing I shouldn’t have done – comparing my own time table to others, matching other people’s lives to mine, and using it to pattern my own. It’s completely rubbish!
But, “Life is not always served in a silver platter” as they say and I have to remind myself about that, which is why I pinned it on top of my tweets. Life can be sometimes hard and what we feel about it can add up to the pile that pushes us under, deeper and deeper.
So yeah, I finally hit rock bottom and it felt like I was completely alone, like I am the only one who’s facing such awful situation. It made me angry, it made me feel afraid. I was watching how some people got things so easily, just exactly what they want, and I was like “God, what about me?”
Trapped.
Yeah. I know that feeling too. At first, I was very careful with my actions and I’m in that stick-to-the-plan gaming. But you see, life is full of surprises and something unexpected will always happen. Really unavoidable. And it’s pretty much annoying to realize that you feel like you’ve given your all, but then life starts to do its tricks again, and with things being done smoothly the result is still far from what you expected. You lose control, seeing everything slip away from your grip.
What I learned is that trying to have a full control can exhaust not just your mind, but also the soul. My capabilities in dealing with life may be limited, but it doesn’t mean I will stop reaching a better life. Because as long as I am breathing, as long as I still get myself out of bed every morning and do something to live a purposeful life, it’s enough. People only play their roles in accordance of the scene they’re included in, so I too, should keep working at my own pace.
Life is not just about winning all the time. There’s more to it. It’s how we play, how we hit home base, how we scored without doing dirty tricks.
Break free.
I started to loosen up a little from the standards I created and forgive myself for not reaching it so far. The beauty in everything that’s happening is that I am now learning how to remain at ease, most especially when the universe starts to draw borders and builds barriers on my way to success. Because all the setbacks and delays happened, to help me evolve into a better version of myself. And I think it did.
Failure is not as awful as how you think it is. It may be unacceptable at first but in the long run, it is more like a blessing to me, in disguise, lighting me up a path that leads to my real destination. Because reality check, there’s no given map with marks of where we should be at certain times in life. And these failures I am experiencing right now, were just the wrong turns I decided to choose along the way, and all I need is to fail successfully in an ideal manner, to gain insights that leads to victory.
So, this is not about falling down and getting back up, or how to be successful kind of article. You can find a handful of it on Google who talks more about bouncing back. But this one, is about giving failure another name – change. A genuine change stopping each one of us to wreck our lives in a more painful manner. A realistic change helping us to humble down. A bittersweet change resetting ourselves, before pain totally takes away the kindness left in us.
Because we can’t just continue living our lives the way we’ve always been.
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