What It Really Means To Say "GOODBYE" To You

You leave because you have to. I left because I have to.

I continued living my life all through the days. 

Hoping and praying that time will just pass by.

The hours quickly turned into days.

And the days transformed into months.

Someday soon, I might not even notice that it will be a year since we walked out from each other's door.

The last time I said goodbye, it was full of anger and tears. It was full of pain and despair. 

The last time you said goodbye, you already knew it was the end of our story while I was still hoping it wasn't.

That time you were so sure it already is or maybe we really have known it for a while, that it will soon come to an end.

A very soon end.

Allow me to say goodbye to you again, far different from the last time.

This time...

I'm saying goodbye to the life we had when we were still together.

When you're gone, I know my life will not be over. 

But at some point I was wrong. 

A life of me ended the moment you left. 

It was a kind of life where there is you and me in it. 

And it died the very day we let each other go.

This time...

I'm saying goodbye to who I have become when I am still with you. 

I am now leaving behind that version of me you used to love, who have been with you through thick and thin, through the good times and in bad.

She was a part of you and I am no longer now.

I am saying goodbye to that version of me who had always believed in you, in the goodness there is in you, in us.

This time...

I'm saying goodbye to all the places we've been, we used to hang out, even to all the places we've been planning to go to.

Farewell to all the video recordings of our sweet and happy moments.

Farewell to those saved voice clips of our deep conversations and how we've exchanged "I love you" to each other. 

Those were the proof of your love for me and my love for you, and now they're all gone. All deleted for good.

This is a goodbye to all the memories we've shared, a sweet goodbye to the very reason why we even started in the very first place.

This time...

I'm saying goodbye to you every time breathing finally gets easier.

I'm waving my last goodbye to the moments where I keep on asking our friends just to check how you've been doing so far. 

I thought I can have the closure I wanted by making peace with you.

But it turned out that the closure I was looking for was always here with me.

It is just by realizing that I should rise again after being broken into pieces.

It is just by winning a battle that was never against you but was always against myself, since from the very beginning.

This time...

I'm saying goodbye to my old self with all of you in it. 

Even the way how I lived my life when we were still together.

I'm saying my last farewell to the plans we used to dream together. (It ached so much writing this part)

I want to start all over again, to begin a new life without you in it. 

It is a plan that I guess I am destined to follow ever since.

That it only faded because you suddenly came.

This time...

I am saying goodbye to a version of me always afraid of losing the one she loved.

To that dear old self who didn't always follow her goals and dreams in life because she's always busy helping someone follow their dreams instead. 

I am waving my sweet farewell to all the times I thought of you before myself.

To those moments I always thought of the best of those who always bring me down.

Doing all these letting go and moving on stuff has been the most painful process I have encountered. 

At first I was so scared to embrace it, of how it would hurt. 

So afraid that it might harm me straight to the core.

And yes, it did.

There were actually moments when I forgot my purpose.

It made me fall down into tears, in a most painful way - I've never cried that way before.

But after all this goodbye,

I'm saying hello now to a new version of me.

Stronger. 

Braver. 

But is still thinking of other's happiness, but will not make it to a point of destroying myself again.

Confident.

Proud.

Alone.

That version of me right now is happy, loved by the Most High.

And she wishes also the same love for you. Always.

💕

✏

All Rights Reserved

MALIPAYONG JOSEFINA

@happyemzey

(follow on facebook, twitter and instagram)

To God be all the glory and praise.