And why it ached so much.
“Why are you still here?” he said.
And the next thing I knew, my days began to get darker and darker. I have countless thoughts running on my mind and the emotions were getting heavier. It was like I’m being tied up with a sack of stones and I’m drowning fast at the bottom of my deepest sentiments.
But, the torment didn’t just end there. I stumbled on days where I am back at playing, again and again, that emotional split. It was complete torture.
We started blocking each other in our social media accounts.
I seriously want him to be happy and I still want to see him win in life. I am praying for his happiness more than I am praying for myself. He is still that right person at the right time to me. Everything started and ended the way it should. Somehow, he contributed a lot to who I have become now.
“Why are you still here?” he said.
“I want a calm and peaceful conversation to fix things,” I told him.
“There’s no need for that. Go! And don’t ever come back,” he yelled.
Those were the last words I heard, coming from his own voice. Was it just me presuming things or was it exactly a voice all covered in demanding form, but with a sense of faith and persuasion on the inside; the kind of which that screams fright because he’s about to lose someone.
And now I wonder if that fear is still there inside of him. I wonder if the moment I turned my back and shut the door did he even thought of wanting me to just stay and wait for our emotions to cool down. I wonder if he even thought if things are still possible on that very instant I grabbed my bags and left. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
I was all alone - thinking of ways what to do next, of where to go, or whom to call. I remember whispering, “God, where are you?” because really, I don’t know what else is left. My mind was all clouded.
And the next thing I knew, my days began to get darker and darker. I have countless thoughts running on my mind and the emotions were getting heavier. It was like I’m being tied up with a sack of stones and I’m drowning fast at the bottom of my deepest sentiments.
Where to find relief?
I found my self scrolling up and down my Messenger’s list, looking for names covered with glitters of hope, hoping to see any little amount of light that shines. There must be someone here. Let me see…
“Nope, he won’t.”
“It would only bother her.”
“I don’t want to add another baggage of emotions on her.”
“He will only judge.”
Then, I found myself completely unaided on my own. It was a series of dire moments and dreadful days and I was carrying my emotional baggage single-handedly. Until a sudden shift happened and the table is starting to turn. My Messenger is alive with comforting messages from people who truly cared. Some are checking how I’ve been doing so far. Others were giving a bright and sunny conversation to cheer me up.
“God, Thank you!”
But, the torment didn’t just end there. I stumbled on days where I am back at playing, again and again, that emotional split. It was complete torture.
Starting from the first time we exchanged hi and hello.
The first time we went out and eat together.
The first time we started having a long late-night conversation.
The first time we went on an adventure.
The first time we went out of town together.
The first time I brought him to The Feast.
The first time we both realized how each other has become a great blessing in our lives – like God-given.
Until I realized how remembering became this painful. And there were also days were it is really heart-breaking because I am starting to realize again the things we could have possibly done and we could still be doing.
Like we could still be with Baby Shark, doing road trips together.
Like we could still introduce each other to some other friends we haven’t met.
Like we could still be watching movies together.
Like we could still be binge-watching Family Guy or The Simpsons together.
Like we could still be playing Mobile Legends in Rank Mode together.
Like we could still be laughing out loud together because of each other’s craziness, because he always farts, because he always does crazy things with me.
Like we could still be lifting and cheering each other up.
Like we could still be struggling and surviving life, every single day, together.
Like I could still be encouraging him to continue moving forward and stay out of trouble.
Like he could still be here making me so damn happy.
But things are no longer that way. It will never be. I can still pray for him because that’s the only form of love I can do, given in this kind of situation. I can still hope for his happiness even if I’m no longer included in it.
There were also days where I am beginning to convince myself that the greatest thing I can do is to simply move on, take another step, take another breath, face another day without him. I tried my best to keep on feeding my mind that my life would be at its best without him. That I don’t need anyone to feel such extreme happiness. That he doesn’t need me anymore and his life is way better without me.
We started blocking each other in our social media accounts.
I deleted his number on my phone. I’m pretty sure he does the same.
I deleted all our photos together, including the videos that were so remarkable, even the recordings of our sweet conversation. But a part of me was screaming “No.”
I started to watch funny videos. I avoided all the things that could make me remember him – movies, love songs, places, and everything in between that bittersweet love story.
I woke up one day, feeling a little less painful. And then another morning of feeling the agony a little bit less. And another morning. Until I woke up without remembering anything from that dire situation.
I started to felt happier for real. Like it’s been a while.
I started to sleep a little better without those 2 a.m. thoughts.
I started to regain my appetite.
I started to see life in its glorious splendor again.
I started to see who God wants me to be, it’s actually shady, but I know I’m getting there in His perfect time.
I started seeing other people again, hang out with long-time friends again, and climb mountains again. The feeling was a bit familiar. I felt like I am starting to bring back a portion of who I was before he came into my life.
Of course, I still hear his name over some bully friends who want to tease me with my past. And I’m glad because I am laughing now at it. Like I was so stupid of bringing myself into it. Hearing and remembering some details about him ached a little, but it is no longer that damaging.
Well, it’s more like I am praying God’s love for him instead, every time I remember him. Because I think doing so feels right. In the end, I am still grateful that he became a part of me and I was once a remarkable person in his life. Even if it’s only a matter of time.
I seriously want him to be happy and I still want to see him win in life. I am praying for his happiness more than I am praying for myself. He is still that right person at the right time to me. Everything started and ended the way it should. Somehow, he contributed a lot to who I have become now.
And I am sincerely thankful for everything that’s happened right after I left out of his sight.
✏
All Rights Reserved
MALIPAYONG JOSEFINA
@happyemzey
(follow on facebook, twitter and instagram)
To God be all the glory and praise.
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