The Greatest Pretention I Am Most Guilty of Doing

I’ve been doing this every day. 

I do this to trick the people around. It’s a scam to make you all believe that it is what it is.

I’m revealing this because I’m too tired of continuously doing it and I feel like I’m being insincere all the time. It became a burden now and I need to let it go. And also, because maybe some of you are doing it, too. 

So, I am now taking this mask off and now revealing the person in this cloak. 

Remember when you saw me forming a facial expression arching the muscles at the sides of my mouth, and sometimes I even do it along with the contraction of the muscles of my eyes. Yep, I was doing a perfect smile. That’s it. That’s the real deal.

Smiling.

I’ve been doing it multiple times a day and it’s now overrated. Smiling, to me, channels a lot of things. I do it when I’m happy. I do it when I’m sad. I do it when I’m covered with burning temper. I do it when I’m at the edge of breaking down. I do it even when it is out of my will. 

I smile to make sure that I am returning the favor because you just smiled at me and I don’t want to dishonor you.

I smile to let you know that I’m okay even if you left me alone with those bunch of strangers.

I smile so you can see that I am doing fine, that I am now back on my feet again.

I smile because I was assuming it will make you happy as well.

I smile because I don’t want to see you getting upset if I’m opposing your judgments. So, I’ll nod, smile and say, “Yeah, you’re right”.

I smile when I am seeking for your acceptance, so you will also welcome me the way you accept a new member of your team.

I smile hoping that you’ll get the message “I’m a good person and I want to be your friend” or “I hope you’ll see me as someone adorable”. But things didn’t always end up that way.

I smile every time we are having our monthly meetings to let you know that I still managed to come, even if I have so many tasks left undone.

I smile because I want you to realize that I also sacrificed that supposed to be precious family time because I chose to be with you instead.

I hope you saw me smile when I was so freaking anxious, worried and was feeling all the tense. 

I hope you saw me smile when I was about to explode in fury because things didn’t go the way it was planned.

I hope you witnessed my smile with all the broken pieces of my heart, most specially on days when the love I gave wasn’t given back in return. 

I hope you witnessed my smile on those moments where I failed in life for the nth time.

Sometimes, I feel like I am in a position where frowning is not acceptable – because I have people in my life who look at me with full of expectations – I have to stay strong and stay out of trouble all the time.

Here's what will happen: If I am not smiling, people will start asking “What’s wrong?”, and I will answer, “Nothing. Just tired”. They’ll continue asking lots of questions I don’t want to talk about. No please, not yet.

So, I’ll just smile instead - to avoid being asked, to cover up so many things. Smiling has been the easiest scheme I mastered, most when I am facing so many people. It became a perfect strategy so I can avoid arguments or to simply build human connection. 

And I know I succeeded in that part. I wonder if there’s any of you who can actually see the reality, right through behind the mask I’ve been wearing. 

I am exposing who’s inside this cloak because I want to be vulnerable, even just for a while.

Not all of you will accept someone's weaknesses. So, I want you to understand that I’m also human and my emotions are as important as my rational thoughts. And I don’t want to disregard any of it because it is part of who I am.

My emotions, all my deepest sentiments – they’re all part of me being whole again.

Okay, if you see me not doing that curve thing on my face now, I want you to know that I am okay with it. That sometimes, nothing is really wrong. Because if there’s anything going on in my life, my family and trusted friends will be the first one to know.

I am that kind of person who knows whom to call or whom to speak with when something bad happens. I will right away send them a message or tell them “I am not okay.” 

Me not smiling doesn’t always mean that I’m sad. It’s just that everything’s plain and still at the moment and it’s all part of my usual. There are really times that I love being silent – like be with people but at the same time is still present in a quiet manner.

Know that I find joy in observing the people around by just sitting alone, in my own space while my heart is full of pleasure and my soul is at peace. You don't need to feel responsible in making me smile. I am always in a happy and calm state in moments of solace, even if I’m only wearing a simple and natural facial expression.

You will know for sure if my heart is feeling contented, pleased, cheerful and all the words that can best describe a happy person. Because I will tell you so. 

I am writing this one because I want to be understood and at the same time hopeful - that maybe this world will learn how to understand when smiling seems hard to accomplish; that maybe this world will continue to appreciate and value the people who are so damn tired of all that’s happening in their lives; and maybe this world will be more aware of sadness, and will still choose to embrace life’s melancholy no matter what.

✏

All Rights Reserved

MALIPAYONG JOSEFINA

@happyemzey

(follow on facebook, twitter and instagram)

To God be all the glory and praise.